let's pretend we are other people

spaces have changed since.

the walls slip and slide.

new walls have been erected

the water in the house has since, changed its path.

the flux lies dispersed.

there will be other projections on the wall now

will the mirrors still be allowed to rest on the floor?

reflections are so very demanding.

been getting wet in the rain
.
waiting
in the city these days
.
.
I let it seep in
I wait
and then when I'm dry I'll smell a bit
unwashed


Steinbeck sits with me from time to time, come, I'll read some out to you..
.
.
'...In all my travels I saw very little real poverty, I mean the grinding terrifying poorness of the Thirties. That at least was real and tangible. No, it was a sickness, a kind of wasting disease. There were wishes but no wants. And underneath it all the building energy like gases in a corpse. When that explodes, I tremble to think what will be the result. Over and over I thought we lack the pressures that make men strong and the anguish that makes men great. The pressures are debts, the desires are for more material toys and the anguish is boredom. Through time, the nation has become a discontented land...'
John Steinbeck, Travels with Charley,1962

A friend asked me the other day if all this work in the city was eating at the soul
I raised my eyebrows, I wouldn't have put that phrase down to reflect my life as it is right now.
I said, "No.", quietly...but I did get to understand why I had been fighting all these days.
At last I understood.
..why the words would only come out laced in a poisonous tree sap, of late
..the words were fighting, without even my knowing it
this habit I've developed of actually speaking what's on my mind at all times has its ups too then?
every time I speak my mind, I start thinking of my ma...of how when I was a kid, she said I didn't have the right to just translate thought into word and spill them..it still feels like a luxury, only meant for some mysterious 'adult' somewhere..
I let that rule go a couple of years back..
it's given me a monotone voice
it's given me a cool, calm in the face of deceit
it's given me a steel edge in the face of bygone lovers
a very queer thing.

I woke this morning, and read a few pages from Joyce, ' A portrait of the artist as a young man',1916
...'To remember that and the white look of the lavatory made him feel cold and then hot. There were two cocks that you turned and water came out : cold and hot. He felt cold and then a little hot : and he could see the names printed on the cocks. That was a very queer thing.'..

careful in my emma thompson voice

i seemed to have had a brilliant bit of sleep
i woke up and had these thoughts of utter clarity
i understood some things about people i thought i had understood long ago
we move from relationship to relationship
with dogs and cats and men and women
and reach points when we must part
the scene changes
it is morning again
and we sit looking at our spent hands
wondering at their capacity at working the earth,at how we tilled and tilled with them

i know now that i mustn't wonder
life is like an infinite dance
you never lose people
if you have worked hard enough with your senses when they were around you,that is,
they always give parts of themselves for you to keep
and with it the freedom to give it to others
it's always the parts that they tend to have deeply contemplated upon that I end up having in my lap by the end of it
and I am happy for it
happy for all chewed-on thoughts
thoughts like books
like films
like music
real-life-people-thoughts are so much more fun sometimes
so raw, and smelly,
like time, really,
to extrapolate,..much like, well, this line I overheard emma thompson recite in a film(oh and how she does recite, warm fuzz everytime in the cockles of me heart)..here she comes now....
time moves so slowly. it weighs down. while time, in fact is so scarce.






did you hear it in her voice?
i sit sometimes and listen to my thoughts in her voice
it helps in things like clarity
no garble
words
pristine words
not vague
not pausing too long
careful with the punctuation.

Click here to set a title.

i used to take pictures of my life sitting on one of these benches at a point, about 5 years ago
it's about the same time this whole catching images thing started, I guess
I used to purse up my eyes shut tight and will the moment I was living to be recorded hereby in my head.

Posted via web from Milann's posterous

the wrotten word

"...according to the legend, the dragons remember your name in the old language. and you must never disclose this name. to tell anyone your dragon name is to give them power over you. any time they call out to you, you have to go to them, you are drawn to them.

that afternoon in your house, i felt as if i was telling you my dragon name. and now you know it and you can do with it what you will."

Posted via email from Milann's posterous